Maybe people notice how long I’ve been gone, maybe not. I notice.
You know how you can get up every day and go to the gym and feel great doing it, then one day something happens and you skip a day… then you skip another. Before long the idea of going back and working out feels so daunting. It’s like a heavy weight you’re carrying around. Each day you think “I really should go back to the gym” but the actual GOING just feels overwhelming. The longer you stay away, the easier it is to stay gone. This is how writing feels to me. Opening up and talking about the things that are on my mind feels good but, once I’ve stepped away, I don’t know how to come back. I don’t know where to start.
Over the last few months the idea of writing has stayed in the back of my brain, niggling at me. I’ve had ideas of things I should write about. Still, I procrastinate and think “I’ll get around to it later.” I honestly don’t know why I decided to make today the day. I guess eventually you just have to force yourself to take the first step and get back on the horse.
I know I’m not a great writer but I think I’m, at least, an ok communicator. I have an idea of what it takes to be a great writer and, in addition to a mastery of language and imagery, I think you have to be raw. That’s a hard thing for most of us to do. To open up and be completely honest about what we are thinking we have to let the walls down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, not just with our readers but with ourselves. I have to be willing to face my own truths. It’s easier to let myself float around in a fantasy, avoiding my own thoughts and feelings. Writing forces me to face what’s on my mind and, essentially, who I really am.
When I started this blog it was with a purpose. I wanted to help other parents of addicts work through their own fears and emotions. I thought that maybe just knowing they were not alone in their struggles would help. I had been to Al-Anon and found that I felt alone in my situation. Most people were dealing with a spouse or a parent or perhaps a sibling. Addiction absolutely affects the WHOLE family and I definitely recommend Al-Anon for anyone searching for a support system. However, my situation was different. As a parent, there’s a feeling of responsibility that is different than I would feel in a different type of relationship. I found so little support for parents. I realized that it’s because it’s kind of a taboo subject. I felt shame for the actions of my child. I felt responsible for something I had no control of. I STILL feel that same purpose. I truly hope and pray that my story can reach people… that it might help at least one person to know they are not alone in this situation. The shame, the guilt, the love, the pain… it’s all normal and, if we can find a way to talk about it, maybe we can feel a little bit of peace within the chaos.
Now, with this post, I’ve taken the first step in getting back to my purpose. I didn’t feel I could just start writing again without addressing my absenteeism. Maybe I’m not alone in this situation either. Maybe every writer goes through it. I have full intentions of trying to do better in the future.
On a side note, if there is anyone reading this who has any question about parenting an addict, please ask it. If there happens to be a specific issue you’re struggling with and you’d like the perspective of a parent who has been through it, I am always looking for ideas to write about.
Thanks for reading 😀